How to Make a Big Decision in a Relationship

• Even though we tend to look for positive qualities in romantic partners, examining their flaws is prudent.
• Some annoyances are little, while others are major, but their impact varies based on one's personality and pet peeves.
• It makes sense to find partners who don't disturb us too much with their unfavourable characteristics.
• Abuse of any kind, whether physical, sexual, or emotional, is a signal to seek help and leave.

Relationships occasionally reach a fork in the road, forcing us to make difficult choices. We may need to decide whether to keep a relationship the way it is, make a new commitment, or part ways. These choices can be perplexing and isolated. No one can tell you exactly what to do, but everyone can give you advise.

This could be due to the fact that major decisions are made in stages. There is no one-size-fits-all solution or quick repair. However, studies show that there are a few critical processes that can assist us in making important relationship decisions. Drs. Kale Monk, Jeremy Kanter, Luke Russell, and I evaluated interviews from 30 people to learn how they took the painful decision to call off their weddings and end their relationships for our study on how people ended their engagements.

Let's start with why it's critical to make informed judgments regarding your relationships. According to research, making purposeful decisions rather than stumbling through relationship transitions produces quite different results. We might easily drift along in a relationship that isn't a good fit if we don't pause and analyse what we need and want. If you're faced with a significant relationship decision, take your time and think about what you want to do next. Some crucial components of a deliberate decision-making process are listed below.

1. Imagine a future without rose-colored spectacles.

Imagining our lives in the future based on various choices is one of the most powerful tools for making decisions. We discovered that feeling uneasy while they pictured themselves on their wedding day or going about their daily lives as a married couple helped participants realise something wasn't quite right and undertake some soul-searching to figure out why. One of the ways we know we need to make a decision in the first place is to see it.

It's critical to imagine the future as realistically as possible in all facets of smart decision-making. Imagining the best-case scenarios may make you feel good, but it won't provide you any insight into how things will actually turn out. Taking a doomsday mindset isn't useful either, so try to draw on your past experiences to help you imagine future scenarios.

2. Take it slowly and give yourself time to make a decision.

You may require some breathing room in order to make an informed conclusion. Participants in the broken engagements study frequently found a means to temporarily detach from their partners in order to obtain a better understanding of what they want. This could entail not speaking for a week or two, taking a vacation alone, staying with friends if the pair was cohabiting, or removing symbolic distance by returning the ring (or asking for it back).

Creating a decision-making space allows us to focus on what we need and want without being influenced by our partners or, in some situations, friends and family. We often require distance, whether physical or psychological, to obtain clarity regarding a decision.

3. Take a second look at the Red Flags and Constraints.

Because we love our spouses and want to make things work, we sometimes miss warning flags in relationships. Because the notion of being alone or losing our spouses is too frightening, we smooth over past hurts and anxieties about the future. However, it's critical to discern between minor annoyances that we'd expect in any partnership and actual deal-breakers. Any type of abuse or manipulation, for example, is a deal-breaker. Abuse typically begins in subtle ways that do not appear to be abuse, but it is critical to recognise early warning signals and exit the relationship before things worsen.

When considering red flags, keep in mind that we should feel safe and comfortable in our relationships to be ourselves. In our relationships, we should not have to compromise who we are or do things that make us uncomfortable. Take some time to consider why you don't have those things if you don't already have them. Ask yourself if you're comfortable with this happening in the long run.

Another issue to think about is if you're staying in the relationship because you want to or because there are too many obstacles to quitting. We stay because it's too difficult to break up with someone, or because we don't know how to say "no" to moving in or getting engaged. Do you fear what will happen to your lover if you don't stay together? Do you have any financial ties to them? Do you share a home? All of these factors can make ending a relationship more difficult, so it's critical to recognise them and understand how they may influence your decision.

Conclusion

In the broken engagements study, we asked individuals to give counsel to someone in a similar situation. Almost everyone's underlying message was to put yourself first. It is, at the end of the day, your life. Your first responsibility is to yourself, even if your decision bothers or disappoints others, is inconvenient, or costly. When you can, try to safeguard other people's feelings (especially children's), but make significant relationship decisions with your own best interests in mind.